This article is about what I wish I knew before writing about trauma in the memoir of my childhood, called Other Born.

Background

I took an online class for writing memoir to get started. In the class, we worked through excerpts from the book, “Writing Life Stories” by Bill Roorbach. I am so thankful for this class because I was able to really hone my writing skills. Particularly, the first line which is used to capture the reader’s attention. 

My first line is, “My birth mom, whom I call Rita, went to prison six months after I was born.” 

I was proud of that line. It made me feel vulnerable then and even now, knowing that you, whom I’ve never met, could read it. 

The first line is part of the Introduction which I wrote and rewrote. I took it to a writer’s group a friend of mine attended and recommended. They reviewed it and declared I was an excellent writer.

My confidence soared, and my finger started flying across the keyboard. It was a wonderful experience writing about the beginning of my life. See, when Rita was in prison, I went to live with my dear Aunt Edna. She loved me as her own. I lived with her until I was six years old.

I loved Aunt Edna more than life itself. She’s the one I bonded with and still think of as my mother. 

I start out writing exposition, then I add sensory details, dialog, and metaphors. I read it out loud and edited it down some more. 

The story goes on after my time with Aunt Edna. Rita did her time prison, married, and decided she wanted me, the youngest of her older children, back. I have an older brother and a sister. In their eyes, I am the one she loved. She took me back.

Then the writing got harder, more intense. I knew there is someone out there that needs to hear my story. It’s a story of resilience. My stepfather was not a nice man. He abused me and Rita. I don’t want to go into any of the details here. As you can note from my opening line, I have experienced what is called Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACE. ACE refers to various traumatic events or circumstances affecting children before the age of 18 and causing physical or mental harm. 

The ACE I can answer yes to is Imprisonment: Having a close family member or otherwise important individual serve time in prison.

In reviewing the list, I can say that I have experienced 9 of the 10 listed. The 10th one is likely and the only reason I can’t say yes is because we didn’t go to the doctor for anything short of an emergency when I was growing up.

So yes, when I started writing about trauma, my writing turned dark. I put work into writing the dark parts. 

I write first thing in the morning so I can start my day feeling accomplished. Over time, I found I didn’t have enough time after writing to “recover” emotionally. 

Because I could recover in the morning before going to work, I moved my writing to Saturdays. That way, I had all weekend to recover emotionally if I needed to. 

Add a toxic work culture to the mix and eventually, I couldn’t even write on Saturdays. So I put the work down for a while.

I had written the darkest parts. When I wrote this memoir, I went back into therapy, as I knew I’d need it to continue writing about trauma in my stories. Therapy turned into how to deal with the shit happening at work. 

I picked it up now and then. Then the pandemic happened and I couldn’t even open Scrivener to write, review, or read.

Now that we are on this side of the pandemic, I can say that it’s exactly what I needed. During the pandemic, I experienced a window of time where life was calm. My anxiety had subsided. I wanted more of this. 

I did yoga, tried meditation, continued in therapy. Yoga worked wonders. I felt so good after a month on the mat. One day, I started crying for no apparent reason. The tears just flowed, and I did not know why. It scared me. 

I looked into it and learned that it is common for one to cry while doing yoga. It means that something is loosening in your body and is ready to be let go.

I moved from DC to Cleveland during the pandemic to be closer to my now husband. After being here in Cleveland for about 18 months, I gave my memoir another go. 

One Saturday afternoon, I headed out to the local coffee shop to get some writing done. When I started writing the darkest parts, I wrote it outside my home. I didn’t want to feel any of those feelings in my house. It was my personal space. I didn’t want that energy in it.

I opened up Scrivener and spent about 2 hours in the dark parts. On my way home, I checked in with myself to determine how I felt. I felt OK. I was tired, but not agitated or sad. I was glad to be back at it.

Fast forward three hours. Something happened with my fiancée. We disagreed over something and I lost it. Like raging, yelling, threw things lost it.

Afterwards, he asked me what was going on with me. He said my reaction was out of proportion for what we were arguing about. I told him I didn’t know.

I continued to work on my memoir over the next year. I read Marion Roach Smith’s book on memoir writing and completely rearranged mine based on her suggestions.

I loved the memoirs she recommends we read as we are writing memoir. They are perfect examples of what she was teaching me.

Each time I wrote, I would check in with myself and I honestly felt fine. I would go home and within the next 24 hours, BOOM! I found myself in a rage every time I worked on my memoir.

I realized that something happened when I wrote I wasn’t aware of. 

What I wish I knew before I started writing about trauma

The writing was triggering something in my subconscious that I wasn’t aware of, nor was I able to deal with.

The climax came on the day my fiancée took me to pick out my engagement ring. It was a Saturday and that morning I had an extended session with my therapist. I liked the idea of an extended session because it gave us time to really work through some stuff. Stuff that took longer than the typical 50 minutes.

What we did during that session was look at Rita and all the ways she neglected not only me, but all six of her children. It was a five-hour session. Again, at the end, I checked in with myself. I felt OK, plus I had something exciting to look forward to, ring shopping!

Then it happened. On the way to the ring store, my fiancée said something about my driving and I melted. I cried, I yelled. I hit the steering wheel. I just wanted him to stop criticizing me. We got to the ring store and had to sit in the parking lot for like 30 minutes for me to get regulated enough to go in. 

We ended up picking out a lovely ring, one that sparkled. Even through the excitement, I knew that my healing lied somewhere in my subconscious. 

What I know now is that in these episodes, I experienced is what is called an emotional flashback. 

“Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being an abused/abandoned child. These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief, and depression. They also include unnecessary triggering of our fight/flight instincts.” ~ Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

What I wish I knew before I decided to write my memoir is that I needed a game plan to manage these emotional flashbacks. 

I needed to know how to self regulate my emotions, recognize when I was outside my window of tolerance. I needed to know how to come back to me.

In my particular story, I also needed to build up some good to reference so when the bad happened, I had something to refer back to. I had to build a foundation.

My recommendation

Here is what I recommend to anyone who is writing about trauma or unpleasant things you haven’t thought about in years in their memoir:

Do yoga, take walks outside most days each week, listen to instrumental music and do some deep breathing exercises. Do these things long enough to build a solid foundation before diving in headfirst, like I did. Doing these things helps you build a sense of safety. Establishing a sense of safety is the first step to healing from trauma.

I discovered deep breathing in the months before our wedding. I would take a few minutes each day to breathe deep into my stomach and then breath out to release every ounce of air. After doing it for a couple of months, I noticed a certain person at work didn’t agitate me like they had done in the past. I knew then that I was onto something, so I kept doing it. 

I quit doing it after the wedding and was surprised when I was triggered again at work. So back to it I went. Now I take at least three deep breaths several times a day and it feels so good!

I’m not yet ready to dive back into writing about trauma or finishing my memoir. I still need to go through editing and publishing it. I feel good about where I’m at. I learned something from the experience. I learned how I can heal.

I am a Core-Centering Practitioner trained by the Somatic Coaching Academy. If you are interested in learning more about how core-centering can help you in writing about trauma, please contact me and I can help you develop a core centering practice that works for you so you can get that memoir written!